©2008 Dave Bloustien
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Outgoing Gags
The great thing about topical comedy is its use-by date. So go HERE for a load of curdled one-liners from times of yore.
Meanwhile, I'll be posting new monologues etc below, to keep fit for when Good News Week starts up again in October.
October 17, 2008
I ran a gag-writing workshop at Flinders University today. Nine students went from newspaper to post-edit in three hours, which is hardly any time at all. Nonetheless, they started with selecting articles, writing material and collectively edited it down to a tight three story monologue. This is the fruits of their labour:
There's a new explanation for why some Americans won't vote for Obama. They think he's the Antichrist.
"The Antichrist is going to lead America? Again?"
The news broke during an opinion poll in Ohio. But before they could ask the voters why, they had to run indoors because it was 6pm and God was about to steal the sun.
As the rumour began to spread, the question on everybody's lips was "what's Satan's economic policy?"
--
Tasmanian MPs have accused each other of acting like children after Brenton Best ran out of parliament with his fingers in his ears yelling "I'm not listening, I'm not listening".
If he keeps that up, he could make Premier.
It all began when opposition leader Will Hodgman made a masturbatory action at the Labor backbencher. Likely the only action HE'S going to see in the lower house.
When Best called on Hodgman to resign for his unethical and unparliamentary behaviour, Hodgman replied that Best should resign for being a dobber.
The mother of Brenton Best has also spoken out claiming that Will was clearly not Brenton's friend. Happily, this is the last we'll see of either of them as they are no longer allowed to play together.
Best said Hodgman's "immature, childish behaviour is all designed so he can play politics". Hodgman replied by saying if Mr. Best had just read the memo he'd know he was clearly playing "Transformers".
--
The Federal government has ordered a logging company to pay almost three and a half million dollars in damages after they cleared the wrong forest in he Tiwi Islands.
The company insists it wasn't a mistake. It was just part of their 2 for 1 policy.
The finding came after a 600 page report on paper sourced from the Tiwi Islands.
One logger said, "I feel hard done by this decision, especially coming from Peter Garrett. I'm a huge fan of Cold Chisel".
September 11, 2008
According to an article in the SMH, people waste up to eight and a half hours a week trying to remember what they were supposed to be doing before they started checking their email.
Usually it's 'checking their email', at which point the whole sorry mess starts all over again.
Others are so forgetful, they finish their email session by shoving the laptop into a post box.
And you know you need help when you try to sort out your life by modifying your wikipedia entry.
Incidentally, that wasted time blows out to eight and a half hours a day once you factor in upsizing your penis, mailing cash to Nigeria and complaining about the new FaceBook.
A study at Loughborough University in the UK found that most people respond to email as it arrives, taking an average of 1 minute and 44 seconds before replying. Which means two-finger typists have to start their reply several minutes before the email they're replying to actually appears.
Karen Renaud, a lecturer at the university of Glasgow argues that email users can be sorted into three categories: relaxed, driven and stressed. However, most of them never get any further than hanging out in Karen Renaud's inbox.
For some people, checking email is no longer a conscious and deliberate act, but a compulsion they are barely aware of. Who knows? Maybe you're doing it right now.
This is also why they call it the 'web'. The more time you spend on it, the more likely you'll end up entangled, debilitated and sticky.
September 8, 2008
The head of Japan's sumo association has resigned over allegations of marijuana use among wrestlers.
But most Sumo wrestlers aren't users. They're pushers.
Then again, it's the only sport where fat people in their underwear scatter snacks then hug.
The resignation is seen as a way for the sumo wrestlers to save face, before it gets swallowed up by their puffy, overfed necks.
But why resign when you could commit ritual suicide? By hiding in a wrestler's bedroom disguised as a futon mat?
The scandal first broke when a wrestler got a fierce attack of the munchies and mistook his opponent for a giant soccerball ham.
The sport has its origins in Shinto. Coincidentally, 'shin' and 'toe' are the two things a stoned sumo can stare at for hours.
September 3, 2008
Three years after the Cronulla Riots, several candidates in the council's local elections are chasing the racist vote.
Although I wouldn't expect them to win. The polls don't accept ballots in crayon.
The Australia Protectionist Party says it will be opposing "Asian-style" skyscrapers, and sex shops and mosques. Which is a real blow to the prominent Muslim porn chain Ahmed's 57 Floors of Poontang.
Some white supremacists just prefer a god who can turn waterfront property into whine.
Surely, if the war on terror has taught us anything, it's that the only Muslims worth getting upset about aren't that fond of skyscrapers either.
But Australia First says it's not because they're Muslim. It's because they're brown.
They also claim the shire has been slated for a "Third World refugee settement". But why would refugees want to settle in the Shire? It's "God's country", and the refugees have been smote plenty already, thanks.
Darrin Hodges is the candidate for the Australia Protectionist Party, and a former member of Australia First. Actually these splinter groups happen quite a lot. After a few hours of campaigning in Cronulla, you tend to get a tan and they chuck you out of the party.
Hodges is a 42 year old IT consultant and doesn't like people from Asia. He must be the loneliest man on the planet.
He also said he would oppose any developments that undermine "Australia's traditional family values". Values like importing convicts, punching brown folk and stealing their children.
This is despite admitting to servicing a website for a company that sold adult products over the internet. But to be fair, they were white, Christian dildos and no more than two stories high.
Karl Glas, of Australia First, denies that Australia First is a racist party. In fact, with only three members, it's barely a racist organisation.
And anyway, rather than racist issues, his party's main concerns are local environment ones, like: sandmining at Kurnell, foreign plants pushing out the local white flowers, and all those brown people clogging up the beach.
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